Thoughts on National Adoption Awareness Month : Kate Murphy Therapy
Kate Murphy, LCSW specializes in working with people suffering from anxiety and depression, and provides couples therapy including premarital counseling in the Atlanta metro area of Norcross, GA at the Pathway Center for Psychotherapy.
premarital counseling, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, anger, control issues, career issues, stress, lack of balance, individual therapy, couples therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, Atlanta GA, Gwinnett County, DeKalb County, Fulton County, Norcross GA.
21336
post-template-default,single,single-post,postid-21336,single-format-standard,qode-quick-links-1.0,ajax_fade,page_not_loaded,,footer_responsive_adv,qode-child-theme-ver-1.0.0,qode-theme-ver-11.1,qode-theme-bridge,wpb-js-composer js-comp-ver-7.5,vc_responsive

Thoughts on National Adoption Awareness Month

NAAM

Thoughts on National Adoption Awareness Month


November is National Adoption Awareness Month (NAAM). To be honest, until about 5 years ago, I didn’t know this was a thing. November is right after my birthday month of October. Unlike many people who were adopted, I’ve always enjoyed my birthday. It’s fun to feel special and get gifts. This all changed with reunion.

Now, I’m aware that my first/birth mother doesn’t call me and joyfully wish me “Happy Birthday!” My adoptive mom is often the first wish of the day and she’s on the opposite coast from me.

Sometimes my first mother sends a birthday card, most often arriving at the end of the month when my birthday is at the beginning of the month. I remember the first card I received from her. I was so pleased to see her handwriting on the envelope. After reading the card, I noticed a clearance price tag on the back. Ouch.

Of course, I do realize that my birth brings pain to my first mom and joy to my second mom. It is complicated like everything else attached to adoption.

By November I am VERY aware of my adoption. In fact, for most people who were adopted, whether at birth or through the foster care system, adoption is ever-present; even if unacknowledged. Adoption is present in the way adoptees deal with connection, separation, rejection, new places, and identity.

What is National Adoption Awareness Month?

 

National Adoption Awareness MonthA month set aside to raise awareness about the urgent need for adoptive families for children and youth in foster care. The history of National Adoption Month dates back to 1976 when Massachusetts Governor Mike Dukakis announced the first Adoption Week. Governor Dukakis’s idea grew in popularity and quickly spread nationwide.

In 1984, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed the first National Adoption Week, and in 1995, under President Bill Clinton, the week was expanded to the entire month of November.

It’s also become a month for adoptees, birth families, adoptive families and adoption professionals to celebrate adoption, to reflect on adoption practices and its lifelong effects on families and children, and to educate ourselves about topics surrounding adoption.

Listening to the voices of adoptees about their lived experience is overlooked by families and society at large. Adoptive parents and agencies are the voices that are generally the loudest. That’s changing as many adopted people take the microphone to share their experiences. The real story as opposed to the rainbows and unicorns.

My Adoption Awareness

 

National Adoption Awareness MonthAwareness of my own adoption has morphed and changed over the years. From I was chosen and special to maybe I should find my first family to being rejected by first mother when she was first found by a confidential intermediary through the state of Arizona. Then, doing a DNA test and actually finding family.

It was a lot. Through all of this there were the stages of grief – back and forth and back again. Now I’m mostly calm, sort of sad, but with deeper insight and more acceptance of the role adoption played in my life.

Deepening friendships with adopted people, research, and sitting with adopted clients have all had a tremendous impact on my thoughts about adoption. Like being part of the gay community and building a chosen family there, the adopted friendships that I have cultivated over the years feel similar. We have a short-cut language borne of pain and being other.

Meeting members of my original family has been meaningful. I wouldn’t want to go back to not knowing them. However, experiencing both deep generosity and rejection rocked my world and sense of self.

Finally, as much as I loved my therapist at the time I was going through search and reunion, I wish that adoption trauma was brought up with me years earlier. Instead of me bringing it up when I decided to search. It would have saved so much time.

Adoption-competent or at least adoption-aware therapists are necessary for adopted individuals.

My Adoption Story

 

I was adopted two weeks after I was born. Apparently, I was in a foster care home with a woman named Mrs. Flowers while waiting for adoption. I hope that’s true. It sounds like a fairy tale my mother would make up. Maybe she did.

My first mother was 19. Both her father and my then 19-year-old father campaigned for abortion when she told them she was pregnant with me. My grandmother “supported” my mother in “getting” to place me for adoption.

My first mother has said that seeing me brings her back to age 19. She says she thinks she has PTSD. Of course she does, relinquishing a child minutes after giving birth is traumatic.

I learned from her in our first conversation, that she was alone for her final months of pregnancy in a Florence Crittenton maternity home. The maternity home was in the city where she lived with her parents.

During this time, she contemplated suicide and talked to me. She said that I kept her alive. I suppose that it was my first experience sitting with someone dealing with suicidal ideation. I’ve always felt that being a therapist was my calling. It was.

When I was born, I may or I may not have been held by my mother. My first mother reported, within minutes of our first in-person meeting, that the baby they brought her had hair. I was bald. Confusing and heartbreaking to us both.

Then, to Mrs. Flowers and weeks later to my forever home. My adoptive home was loving, but there was also a good deal of raised voices and violence. A lot of change and sudden noises for a developing nervous system.

W/adoptive mom. I look confused. From my adult vantage point, I see that it’s no wonder that my felt sense in the world has been, “What the hell just happened?!”, a good deal of  the time.

I believe as a result of my adoption, I have dealt with anxiety for my entire life. Better now. I know the tricks and I’ve done the work.

Alone is still a more comfortable state for me. It’s safe. Thankfully, I’ve grown to trust people and connect deeply. My family and chosen family of friends are what gives my life meaning. Yet still, my internal adoptee voice is always whispering to the people I’m close to, “Please don’t leave me.”

 

Thoughts on Adoption 

 

I’m not anti-adoption. I believe we should put more focus on sex-positive education for both young boys and girls. It’s normal to be sexually connected and experiment. Unplanned pregnancy shouldn’t be a women’s health issue. It’s a human health issue. A shared responsibility. And avoidable.

Additionally, family preservation where possible is a better option than adoption for both parent and child. When it’s not safe, support for adoptive parents is crucial.

Finally, it’s important that adoptive parents take time to acknowledge and grieve not being able to get pregnant if that’s applicable to their situation. Let’s face it, adoption is rarely a first choice for any part of the constellation.

Adoptive parents must develop the emotional intelligence to deal with their child’s loss when it surfaces. Loss of birth family, culture, country, and ethnicity. That can’t happen if they are still grieving and have not done the hard work of looking at their own implicit biases.

Adoption is a complex issue. More conversation is needed. If you’re adopted or another part of the constellation and you haven’t already, share your story this month, locate a support group that you feel comfortable in, and/or find an adoption competent therapist to support you on your healing journey. I’m happy to help. Call or email me.

 

 

 

Kate Murphy - Psychotherapist in Chamblee, GAKate Murphy, LCSW

Kate Murphy, a therapist in Chamblee, GA, specializes in helping you decrease stress and anxiety. You can live a more balanced, connected, and meaningful life. Kate works with individuals and couples to support healing, communicating, and experiencing joy more often.

 

No Comments

Post A Comment