22 Feb Adoptee Reunion: In Praise of Cousins
Adoptee Reunion: In Praise of Cousins
I am on vacation. Why am I writing a blog on a much needed vacation? Because I just had a reminder about how pleasant it is to be reunited with cousins. The first person I connected with on Ancestry 8 years ago is a first cousin once removed. She is my birth/first father’s first cousin. She and her husband visited our rental house by the beach the first day of vacation. We talked for hours.
Adoptee searches have varying levels of challenge and success. For some, especially adoptees born outside of the United States, the search may end up fruitless in terms of finding parents or close relatives. When records are incomplete or closed to adoptees, DNA testing is another avenue to potentially discover family members, build family trees, and establish ethnicity. All pieces to the identity puzzle matter, however, not all lead to reuniting with mothers or fathers which is a heartbreaking search conclusion.
Despite archaic laws, many are able to find close family members. Reuniting with birth/first mothers and fathers can range from an immediate welcome to complete rejection and everything in between. The same is true when trying to reunite with siblings. Intense feelings are involved that are largely centered in trauma and grief.
I have observed and experienced the relationship with extended family such as cousins – first, second, third – to be more welcoming. Meaning the further out on the family tree, the more open to questions about medical issues and genealogy information. Generally, feelings about the adoptee’s relinquishment are not traumatising. In fact, extended family members are often unaware that an adoption even happened in the family.
Depending on the family system, it is possible to stumble into a relationship with someone in the extended family who loves drama and conflict. They may find it a point of family gossip and use knowing an adoptee in a negative manner. If that is the case, exit or set firmer boundaries on what is shared with them.
Back to the good stuff: Connection, mirroring, medical information, family history, and story telling.
Be open to putting in some time and effort to build relationships when possible with cousins and other extended family. I have known of adoptees building surrogate maternal relationships with great aunts or deep friendships with cousins within the same generation. Seeing similarities in your mannerisms, talents, and interests is meaningful when prior there were no genetic mirrors. When my cousin and her husband remarked, “That’s it, she (me) moves like her (my grandmother) and her mouth is the same,” something shifted inside. Their casual words settled my core.
I have been able to build out an elaborate family tree on both sides due to a great aunt, great uncle, and the above cousin’s masterful curiosity and tenacity. My wife says that I share this trait! As a result, I have a family tree full of colorful people. This week, I learned about two new ancestors, a nurse that changed the way nursing looks today and an old Irish rebel who is mentioned in a poem. It is so delightful and grounding. I am part of a greater whole in a whole different way.
If there are only very distant family available, they can still educate on important identity elements like culture or geographic history. And don’t forget that family patterns are a reality. It is not unusual to find other adoptees in your family tree. These relationships offer a shared experience. It is possible to search together, pool information, and form friendships. Adoptee friendships, especially with a genetic connection, are life giving, often life saving.
There is a reason that Henry Gates’ show Finding Your Roots on PBS is so popular. Families – adopted and otherwise – can become disconnected and history gets lost. We all want a connection to our people.
Adoptees are no different. Our health, identity, and questions matter as does our place in our family’s history.
Now back to beach walks and books.
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Kate Murphy, LCSW
Kate Murphy, a therapist in Chamblee, GA, specializes in helping you decrease stress and anxiety. You can live a more balanced, connected, and meaningful life. Kate works with individuals and couples to support healing, communicating, and experiencing joy more often. Personally and professionally she is part of the adoptee and LGBTQ community. Licensed in GA & FL.
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